The Forbidden Fruit

Why is it that I am always tempted by what I can't have?!

I saw it there, in all perfection, round and smooth, with sharp edges that sparkled.. I touched it, knowing that I probably shouldn't, but arguing that a mere touch won't be too bad.. The touch was beautiful, refreshing and even more thrilling because of the hidden knowledge of breaking boundaries.. Rebellion, in a touch..

I smelt it, and I realized then how deprived of air I had been before then.. I closed my eyes, and thought how fulfilling it would be to have it for myself.. How perfect life would be then, how complete my existence would become.. I opened my eyes again, and thought: would it really be perfection, or am I just controlled by the urge to have it, and blinded from all realistic imperfections because of this urge?

I shooed the sound of reason out of my head, and closed my eyes again.. I could feel the ease sweep across my body, starting from my head and all the way to my toes.. I felt free, strong, and driven.. I wanted it, oh so badly.. But deep down I knew, I could never call it my own..

How do I get the strength to walk away of it, and never look back and think of how transformed my life would have become had I taken it when I could have? And how do I hush the voices in my head, that tell me that happiness would have come through it, bliss would have followed, and an eternity of peace would have been summoned to my life?


It isn't mine, that I know.. It is someone else's.. How unfair can life be sometimes! How easy it is to forget the one million things I already have, and think of that one thing that I can't make mine.. And how wise were the Gods when they declared that Thou Shall Not Steal.. Or maybe, how cruel?

Will I ever make it mine? Will I ever see one, similar in shape and depth, owned by no one, and run to it, with all my might, at the right timing to make it my own? Forever mine, forever beautiful, forever complete..

Can I just.. vent out?

Sometimes, I need to vent...

Sometimes, there are things that I know I have to do, that I have no choice about, and that would probably feel better some day, even if the didn't right now.

But sometimes, all I need is a person with whom I can share how it really feels, having to do these things, RIGHT NOW.

And if only some people would understand that when you vent, it's not because you are expecting a magical solution, or for them to step up and carry your problem on their shoulder. Sometimes, all you need is someone who would actually say: Yes, that SUCKS. Just as simple as that, someone who wouldn't preach to you about how yuo should approach these issues, and definetely not somoene who says: So what, we all have to go through so and so.

Yes, I know we all do. But do we actually have to pretend that we're happy about it?

Is is selfish to want to vent out to someone? To just let out the anger, the fury, the feeling of: It's SO UNFAIR. You would still have to do what you have to do, but can you not just have someone to share how it feels with? How it really feels, and not how you should feel, in front of the world.

It does suck.

Feelings

Confused.. Hopeful.. Hasty.. Disappointed... Loving.. Sad.. Regretful.. Angry.. Aggravated.. Numb.. Scared.. Worried.. Restless.. Ashamed.. Joyful.. Excited.. Tired.. Guilty.. Afraid.. Surrendering.. Agonized.. Lonely.. Bored.. Involved.. Proud.. Clear.. Patient.. Thrilled.. Caring.. Symapthizing.. Attentive.. Hateful.. Malicious.. Kind.. Empowered.. Rich.. Confident.. Resentful.. Lost.. Contemplating.. Arrogant.. Powerful.. Pleased.. Satisfied.. Empty.. Embarrassed.. Pleasant.. Distant.. Loyal.. Cheap.. Drained.. Craving.. Helpless. Watchful.. Dreading.. Amazed.. Comfortable.. Miserable.. Rejected.. Pitiful.. Self-loathing.. Cheerful.. Abstract.. Annoyed.. Helpful.. Surprised.. Bewildered.. Fragile.. Shocked.. Overwhelmed.. Grateful.. Expectant.. Distrusting.. Enticed.. hurt.. Locked.. Relieved.. Disgusted.. Disoriented.. Free. Optimistic.. Dazzled.. Swept-off.. Spoilt.. Stubborn.. Lazy.. Careless.. Strong.. Conscious.. Light.. Ridiculed.. Needy.. Stupid.. Lame.. Shattered.. Concerned.. Betrayed.. Cornered.. STRONG

Regrets

I wish I can say I have no regrets but I do.. Mostly, things I regret involve hurting people I love.. Be it intentional or not, I have done a lot of things that have hurt them and made them unhappy.. And every time I think about it, I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness, mixed with shame.

Sometimes, it isn't easy to speak about it or apologize about it after so many years have passed.. By time, we build this fictional fence around the stories we want to forget, and we build it up to get higher and higer every day, until it is so high that we can't see what it was built around anymore..

Sadly, it's just a fence.. It doesn't make these stories disappear, it merely hides them from our obvious sight.. However, every once in a while, this fence gets cracked, and through these cracks you see what you longed to hide. You remember what you longed to forget, and surprisingly, the pain is still fresh, still piercing..

I don't want to stir the old stories from their graves.. I want to tell you, all of you I love and have hurt, that I am sincerely sorry, even if I had hurt you without intending to do so.. I have no excuses having done that.. And I have paid for it, in a way..

After all, that is what REGRET is all about..

The right timing

I've often heard people describe themselves as having the perfect reactions to certain incidents where a perfect reaction isn't actually possible.. One can't really smile to a person who's insulting them, or think straight when they're inside the picture.. Yet, there are a lot of people who are absolutely convinced that they can maintain their self control and ensure the correct reactions at all times..

I have recently come across an incident where two people, very dear to my heart, came to a conflict point.. One of them has always prided himself at how self-composed he is. I myself am a very strong believer of his wisdom, and am always impressed about the way he thinks before he leaps.. However, for the past two weeks I have been very disappointed to see that although he always knows the right thing to do, he has absolutely no idea when to do it. And timing makes all the difference in such cases.

There is no sense in learning forgiveness, if you don't apply it in the right time. You can only forgive when you are hurt..

There is no sense in claiming you love someone, when you can't be there for them in their times of crisis, and merely settle for enjoying the good times you have with them..

If you can't forgive and love when someone needs you, then you should be strong enough to face yourself with the facts: You are not a forgiving or a loving person.. You might have a lot of other qualities, but you can't claim to be loving or forgiving, and chose to be so only when you're in a good place.. Life is full of surprises, and sadly, of uncomfortable times.. It is in these times that we should pull ourselves together and put what we believe in into practice..

Otherwise, just settle to being the person you are.

Of Rain & Snow..

It has been raining, non stop, since last night..

The streets are flooded, cars are piledup in traffic, and there's this generally light atmosphere in the office.. The one that always accompanies rain and manages, in a miraculous way, to make things that were so important yesterday seem slightly less important today. It's like the rain actually sprinkles a little bit of water over all the 'hot' topics of our lives, cooling them off slowly in the process..

When I was a little girl, rain used to excite me tremendously! Rain meant that there probably won't be school that day, and that mama will cook super delicious and unique enough for the rare occasion. It would mean that we can go out and play in the street and watch the rain, even mama & baba! It meant that for just that one day, we can smile at strangers in the street, and we can splash ourselves and get dirty in ways that mama won't tolerate on any other 'normal' day..

Rain was awesome, to say the least!

When I moved to my home country for my studies, one of the things that I was super excited about was that that meant I'd spend winter in a country where there's snow.. 'Can you believe it? Actual snow!'

That's how I would tell my friends about it, that's how excited I was..

And I'll never forget that day.. I was in university, it was around 1:00 pm when it started snowing. It was very slow at the beginning, and then it started picking up pace. Classes were cancelled, and it seemed like the entire campus was out on the street.

Snow fights began!!!

Students started throwing snow balls at one another, and on passing cars. This was not the time to be offended or to take it personally, this was the time where you actually pick up snow yourself, roll it into a snow ball, and throw it at others yourself. Oh, and laugh out loud, so loud that it would be utterly inappropriate in other times- only not at that time.

On that day, I played and laughed and slipped and fell and had a great time, and then later on I discovered, to my dismay, that snow actually burns! My palms, which weren't covered in gloves, were literally burning! They were so red and raw, and they hurt like they were on fire..

But it was worth it.. It sure was..

Now, over the years, since that great day, snow still has that holiness in my heart.. I remember all the days in the years after, when I woke up some days in winter, looked out of the window, and found the entire city buried in a layer of white.. And I would just stand there, and look at the whiteness.. So pure, so beautiful.. So white!

When we were kids, and during our spring break (which actually took place in this country's winter!) my sister and I enjoyed sleeping in.. To wake us up, baba would come into the room and say: There's snow! (In Arabic, the word Thalj means both snow, and ice) and we'd be so excited that we'd lift up our heads and say: Really?! And he would say: Yes, I swear! And considering that baba would never lie, we would jump out of bed and run to the nearest window.. But of course, there would be no snow.. And we would look at baba, laughing and showing us ice cubes in the freezer.. I can't imagine how that trick worked each and every time.. We always had the doubt that maybe, just maybe, this time, there will be snow!

But here I am now, missing the snow and not enjoying the rain! How typical of me..

Happy rain every one! It's the time for cleansing every day's pressure and running around.. It's the time to enjoy one of the greatest gifts God has given us..

Loving Me..

I was on my weekly long drive between my two 'homes' yesterday, when at a certain moment, and for some reason that I can't put my finger on, I decided that I am tired of being depressed..

It was like pulling myself together, giving ME a good shake, and telling myself to quit quitting!

A very good friend of mine always tells me: We are survivors.. On my courageous moments, I cheer in agreement, and in other weaker ones, I just smile when I really feel like screaming..

But we are.. We are survivors, of course we are..

I think that I sometimes am too harsh on myself.. So I make mistakes, who doesn't? So I have silly little habits that I long to get rid of to achieve my version of perfection, but what is perfection, anyway? What's perfect for me might mean nothing to someone else..

I have the right to make mistakes.. And the minute I stop making them, I will realize that I have stopped trying.. I have stopped living..

I love me.. I want to take care of me.. And I want to accept, without the drama and the tears and the shock, that there is no body at all, who would do a better job at taking care of myself than I would..

It would help, I think, if I can stop briefly, and define my standards, my own set of beliefs.. What's right for me? What's not? What would make me happy? And once I come up with that, once I have my own Book of Rules to follow, I would think it would be easier to take it from there..

But what's important today is that I am alive, and that I am proud of who I am.. And that I believe, and Oh how great that belief feels, that I love myself, and that I just might be able to take care of myself after all..