Of Rain & Snow..

It has been raining, non stop, since last night..

The streets are flooded, cars are piledup in traffic, and there's this generally light atmosphere in the office.. The one that always accompanies rain and manages, in a miraculous way, to make things that were so important yesterday seem slightly less important today. It's like the rain actually sprinkles a little bit of water over all the 'hot' topics of our lives, cooling them off slowly in the process..

When I was a little girl, rain used to excite me tremendously! Rain meant that there probably won't be school that day, and that mama will cook super delicious and unique enough for the rare occasion. It would mean that we can go out and play in the street and watch the rain, even mama & baba! It meant that for just that one day, we can smile at strangers in the street, and we can splash ourselves and get dirty in ways that mama won't tolerate on any other 'normal' day..

Rain was awesome, to say the least!

When I moved to my home country for my studies, one of the things that I was super excited about was that that meant I'd spend winter in a country where there's snow.. 'Can you believe it? Actual snow!'

That's how I would tell my friends about it, that's how excited I was..

And I'll never forget that day.. I was in university, it was around 1:00 pm when it started snowing. It was very slow at the beginning, and then it started picking up pace. Classes were cancelled, and it seemed like the entire campus was out on the street.

Snow fights began!!!

Students started throwing snow balls at one another, and on passing cars. This was not the time to be offended or to take it personally, this was the time where you actually pick up snow yourself, roll it into a snow ball, and throw it at others yourself. Oh, and laugh out loud, so loud that it would be utterly inappropriate in other times- only not at that time.

On that day, I played and laughed and slipped and fell and had a great time, and then later on I discovered, to my dismay, that snow actually burns! My palms, which weren't covered in gloves, were literally burning! They were so red and raw, and they hurt like they were on fire..

But it was worth it.. It sure was..

Now, over the years, since that great day, snow still has that holiness in my heart.. I remember all the days in the years after, when I woke up some days in winter, looked out of the window, and found the entire city buried in a layer of white.. And I would just stand there, and look at the whiteness.. So pure, so beautiful.. So white!

When we were kids, and during our spring break (which actually took place in this country's winter!) my sister and I enjoyed sleeping in.. To wake us up, baba would come into the room and say: There's snow! (In Arabic, the word Thalj means both snow, and ice) and we'd be so excited that we'd lift up our heads and say: Really?! And he would say: Yes, I swear! And considering that baba would never lie, we would jump out of bed and run to the nearest window.. But of course, there would be no snow.. And we would look at baba, laughing and showing us ice cubes in the freezer.. I can't imagine how that trick worked each and every time.. We always had the doubt that maybe, just maybe, this time, there will be snow!

But here I am now, missing the snow and not enjoying the rain! How typical of me..

Happy rain every one! It's the time for cleansing every day's pressure and running around.. It's the time to enjoy one of the greatest gifts God has given us..

Loving Me..

I was on my weekly long drive between my two 'homes' yesterday, when at a certain moment, and for some reason that I can't put my finger on, I decided that I am tired of being depressed..

It was like pulling myself together, giving ME a good shake, and telling myself to quit quitting!

A very good friend of mine always tells me: We are survivors.. On my courageous moments, I cheer in agreement, and in other weaker ones, I just smile when I really feel like screaming..

But we are.. We are survivors, of course we are..

I think that I sometimes am too harsh on myself.. So I make mistakes, who doesn't? So I have silly little habits that I long to get rid of to achieve my version of perfection, but what is perfection, anyway? What's perfect for me might mean nothing to someone else..

I have the right to make mistakes.. And the minute I stop making them, I will realize that I have stopped trying.. I have stopped living..

I love me.. I want to take care of me.. And I want to accept, without the drama and the tears and the shock, that there is no body at all, who would do a better job at taking care of myself than I would..

It would help, I think, if I can stop briefly, and define my standards, my own set of beliefs.. What's right for me? What's not? What would make me happy? And once I come up with that, once I have my own Book of Rules to follow, I would think it would be easier to take it from there..

But what's important today is that I am alive, and that I am proud of who I am.. And that I believe, and Oh how great that belief feels, that I love myself, and that I just might be able to take care of myself after all..

The two lights, and a lifetime in between..

I often heard about how butterflies approach any source of light, by instinct, only to burn and die.. People who harm themselves, unknowingly, are said to be similar to these butterflies.. They approach the light, they come too close, they surrender, and then they get burnt..

But what about those who approach the fire, knowingly? Is it mere stupidity that drives them towards that source of light, or is it sometimes a false hope that maybe that light would be different, that maybe it won't hurt them this time? Is it an arrogance that fills them with fake confidence and makes them believe that if light burnt all others, they would defy it and come out of it untouched?

In the moments that separate sleep from wake, my thoughts become too heavy.. A simple passing thought through the day, becomes a major issue that needs to be set at peace, NOW, NOW, NOW.. In these cursed moments, I have made too many decisions that I have come to realize were not too smart..

And it is in these moments that I feel the weakest.. I feel drawn to my sources of light, even though I know they'll burn me, they'll bruise me, they'll hurt me.. Yet, I always have some kind of inner power pushing me towards that light.. It's as if I believe that these moments are not to be counted in my real life time, and that the consequences of any decisions that I may take would not really count..

Oh but they do.. They do, and they have bigger influences than I would like to imagine, at times..

Ironically, if I do manage to pull myself out of bed, and turn on the actual lights, I come back to my senses.. The light, draws me away from the light..

Go away..

I don't want you..

You bring out the worst in me.. You make me weak.. And I don't want to be weak.. I don't want to be sucked towards the light.. Not again, never again...

Turn on the lights.. You can do it.. All it takes is a step forward.. All it takes is getting over that split second between surrendering to sleep and being wide awake.. I want to be awake.. I don't want my life to pass by, sleeping..

I can do it, and I will.

Beliefs..

Sometimes, I think that everything that I was brought up to believe and rely upon, does not truly exist..

I have great parents, who brought me up believing in certain standards. Out of love, they have raised me to believe that there are things that really matter: Love, Kindness, Fait, Confidence, and many many more. But maybe at the time they taught me all this, they were too optimistic, and hoped that the world would be a better place, by the time I was old enough to understand these concepts. Better than their own time, I suppose.

Yet, maybe it isn't much better, or much worse, for that matter. The world is just the way it is: Complex and challenging.

I was reading a book the other day, which suggested that if you have trouble accepting your beliefs on a concious level, then maybe you can try changing them. The book offers exercises, and affirmation methods to help those who want to change their beliefs do so. I tried, but maybe I didn't try hard enough. Or maybe these beliefs were just what they were: Beliefs.

This doesn't mean that beliefs never change either. There was a time that I truly believed my dolls were real, that they had lives of their own at night when I'm asleep. Oh, and there was the time when I used to talk to plates, spoons and mugs, giving them names and chatting to them, while carefully putting them back into place when my mom assigned me chores.

So, looking back at what I used to believe in so strongly, and at where I am now, I 'believe' that beliefs change sometimes. But it's not only through books, mantras or even visualization. I think it's what actually happens in our lives, who we meet, pleasant and unpleasant surprises of life, and as always, by observing the actions of those we idolize in our lives.

It's a bit exciting not to know what I would believe I'm capable of doing in a few years' time. Sometimes, it worries me. Sometimes, when I'm faced with situations that I was raised to believe will end up with certain results, and I end up with completely different results than I expected, it can be a bit frustrating. But sometimes, I want to believe that this different result is another experience. And that one day, these experiences will all pile up and voila! A new belief will be born!

Change

Change can be very scary sometimes.

I have often faced it by trying to be as optimistic as possible. Trying to be logical and think about what I am about to get myself into, but also assume that all will end well, and that this change would probably be for the best.

However, in the latest ‘change’ in my life, the results have been disappointing on certain levels. I have been trying, very hard, to avoid thinking such thoughts for the past week. But I have discovered that what I don’t think of stays as a lump in my throat, or as a nightmare that makes me wake up sweaty and terrified.

What do we do when the change is irreversible?

Why is it so difficult to say good bye to some phases of our life?

I, as most people I assume, had to go through many phases. And it was always horrible to say my good byes. I would cry, sulk for weeks, and even when I assume that this change is for the best, it doesn’t help in my letting go process.

I wish I can.. I wish I never did.. I wish that soon things will be..

So many sentences & wishes that are cut short, because I am too scared to finish them. I am a very strong believer in the saying: Be careful what you wish for. And I honestly feel too lost, even for wishing anything at the moment. Even for wishing that everything can go back to the way it was..

I’ve been unable to reach out to my family for the past 10 days, I’ve been unable to connect with friends. I can’t even reach out to God these days. I feel lost and lonely and weak and very very small.

I have to let it out somewhere. Maybe that would help me move on. I am where I am now, and even if I sulk about it, I can only look forward to what is yet to come, with all the good and bad in it.

And I realize, so strongly, that if I don’t feel better about it deep inside, no one will help me feel better. Nothing that anyone might say or do can make me feel good. I need to believe that it will be ok. And before then, I don’t want to see anyone, or listen to anyone, or talk to anyone.

I am mad at the world, at God, at the difficult choices that we have to make every day.

Believe your dreams..

I have the right to dream, I have the right to BELIEVE.

Let there be no boundaries to my dreams, no fears and no worries.

No hidden feeling that I don’t deserve them. That it would be ‘too good to be true’.

The world is mine.. At least the world of dreams is.

Tick-tock...

I turn 28 tomorrow..

I think a major part of growing up is about determining what we want for our lives. Since I am at the mature age of 28 now, I can safely announce that I have no clue about what I want.

I created a passion list, and I tried to summarize what is it exactly that I want to achieve in my life. Yet, there are some things that can appear to be achieved, but that sense of emptiness proves that it still isn’t. It isn’t fulfilling me yet.

Maybe it’s not only about what I want. Maybe it is also about how these things I want will make me feel.

Sometimes, I think I have created a comfort zone around me. A too comfortable comfort zone, that it is scary to let go of it. When things happen in my life, even good things, I have forgotten how to enjoy them, because I keep thinking about the agony of having to lose them one day, and how that will make me feel..

This has made me unable to enjoy the moment. Last year, I read a remarkable book called ‘The Power of Now’ which aimed at reminding people to focus on the current moment they’re living in, and not to fret about past or future events. Excellent idea, only, it is not easy to do that every day.

I am not depressed, there are no reasons of unhappiness in my life these days, and I thank God for that every day.
I am not a drama queen either, I want to live happily and enjoy and have fun and find peace.

But I think I am just scared.

What if I don’t like what I am getting myself into? What if I don’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would, and what if it hurt other people around me, if not myself, in the process?

I have come to believe that change has huge powers. It can make me ecstatic and it can suck me into a depression hole. I don’t want to be in either place. I want to be a balanced person who thinks about things before diving into them.

I just realized that I said ‘ I want’…

Maybe that is what I want. And maybe I should take my time, to be able to take the right decisions. And maybe I need to de-cluster my life from everything and everyone that does not add value to it. And maybe I should sit more with myself, and get to know me more. And I have a lifetime to do that.. All the time in the world..

Happy Birthday to me :)