The two lights, and a lifetime in between..

I often heard about how butterflies approach any source of light, by instinct, only to burn and die.. People who harm themselves, unknowingly, are said to be similar to these butterflies.. They approach the light, they come too close, they surrender, and then they get burnt..

But what about those who approach the fire, knowingly? Is it mere stupidity that drives them towards that source of light, or is it sometimes a false hope that maybe that light would be different, that maybe it won't hurt them this time? Is it an arrogance that fills them with fake confidence and makes them believe that if light burnt all others, they would defy it and come out of it untouched?

In the moments that separate sleep from wake, my thoughts become too heavy.. A simple passing thought through the day, becomes a major issue that needs to be set at peace, NOW, NOW, NOW.. In these cursed moments, I have made too many decisions that I have come to realize were not too smart..

And it is in these moments that I feel the weakest.. I feel drawn to my sources of light, even though I know they'll burn me, they'll bruise me, they'll hurt me.. Yet, I always have some kind of inner power pushing me towards that light.. It's as if I believe that these moments are not to be counted in my real life time, and that the consequences of any decisions that I may take would not really count..

Oh but they do.. They do, and they have bigger influences than I would like to imagine, at times..

Ironically, if I do manage to pull myself out of bed, and turn on the actual lights, I come back to my senses.. The light, draws me away from the light..

Go away..

I don't want you..

You bring out the worst in me.. You make me weak.. And I don't want to be weak.. I don't want to be sucked towards the light.. Not again, never again...

Turn on the lights.. You can do it.. All it takes is a step forward.. All it takes is getting over that split second between surrendering to sleep and being wide awake.. I want to be awake.. I don't want my life to pass by, sleeping..

I can do it, and I will.

Beliefs..

Sometimes, I think that everything that I was brought up to believe and rely upon, does not truly exist..

I have great parents, who brought me up believing in certain standards. Out of love, they have raised me to believe that there are things that really matter: Love, Kindness, Fait, Confidence, and many many more. But maybe at the time they taught me all this, they were too optimistic, and hoped that the world would be a better place, by the time I was old enough to understand these concepts. Better than their own time, I suppose.

Yet, maybe it isn't much better, or much worse, for that matter. The world is just the way it is: Complex and challenging.

I was reading a book the other day, which suggested that if you have trouble accepting your beliefs on a concious level, then maybe you can try changing them. The book offers exercises, and affirmation methods to help those who want to change their beliefs do so. I tried, but maybe I didn't try hard enough. Or maybe these beliefs were just what they were: Beliefs.

This doesn't mean that beliefs never change either. There was a time that I truly believed my dolls were real, that they had lives of their own at night when I'm asleep. Oh, and there was the time when I used to talk to plates, spoons and mugs, giving them names and chatting to them, while carefully putting them back into place when my mom assigned me chores.

So, looking back at what I used to believe in so strongly, and at where I am now, I 'believe' that beliefs change sometimes. But it's not only through books, mantras or even visualization. I think it's what actually happens in our lives, who we meet, pleasant and unpleasant surprises of life, and as always, by observing the actions of those we idolize in our lives.

It's a bit exciting not to know what I would believe I'm capable of doing in a few years' time. Sometimes, it worries me. Sometimes, when I'm faced with situations that I was raised to believe will end up with certain results, and I end up with completely different results than I expected, it can be a bit frustrating. But sometimes, I want to believe that this different result is another experience. And that one day, these experiences will all pile up and voila! A new belief will be born!

Change

Change can be very scary sometimes.

I have often faced it by trying to be as optimistic as possible. Trying to be logical and think about what I am about to get myself into, but also assume that all will end well, and that this change would probably be for the best.

However, in the latest ‘change’ in my life, the results have been disappointing on certain levels. I have been trying, very hard, to avoid thinking such thoughts for the past week. But I have discovered that what I don’t think of stays as a lump in my throat, or as a nightmare that makes me wake up sweaty and terrified.

What do we do when the change is irreversible?

Why is it so difficult to say good bye to some phases of our life?

I, as most people I assume, had to go through many phases. And it was always horrible to say my good byes. I would cry, sulk for weeks, and even when I assume that this change is for the best, it doesn’t help in my letting go process.

I wish I can.. I wish I never did.. I wish that soon things will be..

So many sentences & wishes that are cut short, because I am too scared to finish them. I am a very strong believer in the saying: Be careful what you wish for. And I honestly feel too lost, even for wishing anything at the moment. Even for wishing that everything can go back to the way it was..

I’ve been unable to reach out to my family for the past 10 days, I’ve been unable to connect with friends. I can’t even reach out to God these days. I feel lost and lonely and weak and very very small.

I have to let it out somewhere. Maybe that would help me move on. I am where I am now, and even if I sulk about it, I can only look forward to what is yet to come, with all the good and bad in it.

And I realize, so strongly, that if I don’t feel better about it deep inside, no one will help me feel better. Nothing that anyone might say or do can make me feel good. I need to believe that it will be ok. And before then, I don’t want to see anyone, or listen to anyone, or talk to anyone.

I am mad at the world, at God, at the difficult choices that we have to make every day.

Believe your dreams..

I have the right to dream, I have the right to BELIEVE.

Let there be no boundaries to my dreams, no fears and no worries.

No hidden feeling that I don’t deserve them. That it would be ‘too good to be true’.

The world is mine.. At least the world of dreams is.

Tick-tock...

I turn 28 tomorrow..

I think a major part of growing up is about determining what we want for our lives. Since I am at the mature age of 28 now, I can safely announce that I have no clue about what I want.

I created a passion list, and I tried to summarize what is it exactly that I want to achieve in my life. Yet, there are some things that can appear to be achieved, but that sense of emptiness proves that it still isn’t. It isn’t fulfilling me yet.

Maybe it’s not only about what I want. Maybe it is also about how these things I want will make me feel.

Sometimes, I think I have created a comfort zone around me. A too comfortable comfort zone, that it is scary to let go of it. When things happen in my life, even good things, I have forgotten how to enjoy them, because I keep thinking about the agony of having to lose them one day, and how that will make me feel..

This has made me unable to enjoy the moment. Last year, I read a remarkable book called ‘The Power of Now’ which aimed at reminding people to focus on the current moment they’re living in, and not to fret about past or future events. Excellent idea, only, it is not easy to do that every day.

I am not depressed, there are no reasons of unhappiness in my life these days, and I thank God for that every day.
I am not a drama queen either, I want to live happily and enjoy and have fun and find peace.

But I think I am just scared.

What if I don’t like what I am getting myself into? What if I don’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would, and what if it hurt other people around me, if not myself, in the process?

I have come to believe that change has huge powers. It can make me ecstatic and it can suck me into a depression hole. I don’t want to be in either place. I want to be a balanced person who thinks about things before diving into them.

I just realized that I said ‘ I want’…

Maybe that is what I want. And maybe I should take my time, to be able to take the right decisions. And maybe I need to de-cluster my life from everything and everyone that does not add value to it. And maybe I should sit more with myself, and get to know me more. And I have a lifetime to do that.. All the time in the world..

Happy Birthday to me :)

...قطاع الطرق، سارقي الأحلام

عندما كنت طفلة أشاهد أفلام الكرتون، وأقرأ بعض الكتب التي يهديني والدي إياها، كثيرا ما استوقفني مصطلح "قطاع الطرق". كان علي بابا و سندباد يصدفانهم أثناء تجوالهم ومغامراتهم. و كما هي الحال دائما في قصص الأطفال، كان الأخيار ينتصرون على الأشرار دائما، و كانت تغمرني السعادة وأنا أرى بطلي المفضل يقضي على كل ما يعترض طريقه.

حين كبرت، اكتشفت أن مصطلح "قطاع الطرق" شبه معدوم. لم أتعرض أنا أو أي شخص من معارفي إلى قاطع طريق يهدد بالاستيلاء على ما معي من أموال أو يستل سيفه ليخيفني. ولكنني على مر الأيام، اكتشفت أن هناك أشكالا متعددة لقاطعي الطريق، وأنهم ينتشرون حولنا أكثر مما كنت أتخيل.

فعندما أكون سعيدة، عندما أشعر بصفاء داخلي رائع يدفعني إلى الأمام، عندما أحلم بغد أفضل و مستقبل أتمناه قريبا، و عندما يصدفني أحدهم بعبارة محبطة، أو بتعليق يحطم ذلك الحلم، فهو قاطع طريق.

عندما أشعر بالحرية وأعبر عن رأي يمنحني بعض السلام النفسي، و عندما يصدفني ذلك الشخص الذي يستمد قوته من تحطيم ذلك السلام، ونقد ذلك الرأي بتجريح وإيذاء، فهو قاطع طريق.

عندما أشعر بإيمان يملأ قلبي، و ينير دربي و يملأني بالسكينة، و عندما أعبر عن استسلامي لتلك القوة العليا التي لا يتحتم علي فهمها لتصديقها، و عندما يحاول أحدهم أن يقنعني بعدم وحود تلك القوة، و يسلبني ما تمنحني إياها من إيمان واطمئنان، فهذا أيضا قاطع طريق.

الاختلاف في الرأي لا يفسد للود قضية. و لكن بعض الأشخاص يستمدون قوتهم من إحباط الاخرين. يستلون خفية و يسرقون سعادتهم و سلامهم و يتركونهم محطمين. مصدر قوة هؤلاء الأشخاص هو قوتي أنا التي يتغذون عليها، بعد امتصاصها من طاقتي أنا.

هؤلاء هم قطاع الطرق في رأيي. هؤلاء من يحاولون سرقة أحلامي وامالي. و كما انتصر سندباد على قاطع طريقه، أحاول أنا أيضا الانتصار عليهم والمضي قدما.

Movie Quotes I like

"No one told me there are different kinds of love. The kind that starts deep and slowly wears away; that seems you will never use it up and then one day it is finished. Then there is the kind you do not notice at first but which adds a little bit to itself every day like an oyster makes a pearl, grain by grain, a jewel from the sand. That is the kind I have come to know."

Brick Lane

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around. "

Love Actually

"When I was young, I thought everything is possible in the world. As I grew older, I realized I don't need everything to be possible anymore; I just need some things to be certain"

Brick Lane

"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."

Crash

"I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice it. "

The Color Purple

"Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it. "

Waitress

"I don't think you're an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother's pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences... But the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are. "

Bridget Jones Diary

"There is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft... When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness."

The Kite Runner

"For you, a thousand times over."

The Kite Runner

"Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them with your favorite colors."

The Kite Runner

"One could not count the moons that shimmer on her roofs,or the thousand splendid suns that hide behind her walls."

A Thousand Splendid Suns

"Behind every trial and sorrow that He makes us shoulder, God has a reason."

A Thousand Splendind Suns