Monday, October 5, 2009


Change can be very scary sometimes.

I have often faced it by trying to be as optimistic as possible. Trying to be logical and think about what I am about to get myself into, but also assume that all will end well, and that this change would probably be for the best.

However, in the latest ‘change’ in my life, the results have been disappointing on certain levels. I have been trying, very hard, to avoid thinking such thoughts for the past week. But I have discovered that what I don’t think of stays as a lump in my throat, or as a nightmare that makes me wake up sweaty and terrified.

What do we do when the change is irreversible?

Why is it so difficult to say good bye to some phases of our life?

I, as most people I assume, had to go through many phases. And it was always horrible to say my good byes. I would cry, sulk for weeks, and even when I assume that this change is for the best, it doesn’t help in my letting go process.

I wish I can.. I wish I never did.. I wish that soon things will be..

So many sentences & wishes that are cut short, because I am too scared to finish them. I am a very strong believer in the saying: Be careful what you wish for. And I honestly feel too lost, even for wishing anything at the moment. Even for wishing that everything can go back to the way it was..

I’ve been unable to reach out to my family for the past 10 days, I’ve been unable to connect with friends. I can’t even reach out to God these days. I feel lost and lonely and weak and very very small.

I have to let it out somewhere. Maybe that would help me move on. I am where I am now, and even if I sulk about it, I can only look forward to what is yet to come, with all the good and bad in it.

And I realize, so strongly, that if I don’t feel better about it deep inside, no one will help me feel better. Nothing that anyone might say or do can make me feel good. I need to believe that it will be ok. And before then, I don’t want to see anyone, or listen to anyone, or talk to anyone.

I am mad at the world, at God, at the difficult choices that we have to make every day.

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