Sunday, February 28, 2010

Loving Me..

I was on my weekly long drive between my two 'homes' yesterday, when at a certain moment, and for some reason that I can't put my finger on, I decided that I am tired of being depressed..

It was like pulling myself together, giving ME a good shake, and telling myself to quit quitting!

A very good friend of mine always tells me: We are survivors.. On my courageous moments, I cheer in agreement, and in other weaker ones, I just smile when I really feel like screaming..

But we are.. We are survivors, of course we are..

I think that I sometimes am too harsh on myself.. So I make mistakes, who doesn't? So I have silly little habits that I long to get rid of to achieve my version of perfection, but what is perfection, anyway? What's perfect for me might mean nothing to someone else..

I have the right to make mistakes.. And the minute I stop making them, I will realize that I have stopped trying.. I have stopped living..

I love me.. I want to take care of me.. And I want to accept, without the drama and the tears and the shock, that there is no body at all, who would do a better job at taking care of myself than I would..

It would help, I think, if I can stop briefly, and define my standards, my own set of beliefs.. What's right for me? What's not? What would make me happy? And once I come up with that, once I have my own Book of Rules to follow, I would think it would be easier to take it from there..

But what's important today is that I am alive, and that I am proud of who I am.. And that I believe, and Oh how great that belief feels, that I love myself, and that I just might be able to take care of myself after all..

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The two lights, and a lifetime in between..

I often heard about how butterflies approach any source of light, by instinct, only to burn and die.. People who harm themselves, unknowingly, are said to be similar to these butterflies.. They approach the light, they come too close, they surrender, and then they get burnt..

But what about those who approach the fire, knowingly? Is it mere stupidity that drives them towards that source of light, or is it sometimes a false hope that maybe that light would be different, that maybe it won't hurt them this time? Is it an arrogance that fills them with fake confidence and makes them believe that if light burnt all others, they would defy it and come out of it untouched?

In the moments that separate sleep from wake, my thoughts become too heavy.. A simple passing thought through the day, becomes a major issue that needs to be set at peace, NOW, NOW, NOW.. In these cursed moments, I have made too many decisions that I have come to realize were not too smart..

And it is in these moments that I feel the weakest.. I feel drawn to my sources of light, even though I know they'll burn me, they'll bruise me, they'll hurt me.. Yet, I always have some kind of inner power pushing me towards that light.. It's as if I believe that these moments are not to be counted in my real life time, and that the consequences of any decisions that I may take would not really count..

Oh but they do.. They do, and they have bigger influences than I would like to imagine, at times..

Ironically, if I do manage to pull myself out of bed, and turn on the actual lights, I come back to my senses.. The light, draws me away from the light..

Go away..

I don't want you..

You bring out the worst in me.. You make me weak.. And I don't want to be weak.. I don't want to be sucked towards the light.. Not again, never again...

Turn on the lights.. You can do it.. All it takes is a step forward.. All it takes is getting over that split second between surrendering to sleep and being wide awake.. I want to be awake.. I don't want my life to pass by, sleeping..

I can do it, and I will.

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